#telling jokes

[ask-charliemorningstar]

What did the sinner say to Lute?

"Can you give me a hand?"

Lute didn't find this very funny...

Luckily she was disarmed. - 🎀

[tmt-sketch-a-day]

Sketch a Day 2923-Telling Jokes- 3/3/24

I feel like Fizz would get along well with co workers

[bettinalevyisdetermined]

Riddle me these:

What do you call a flying pastry that has a hole in it?

There are 30 cows and 28 chickens, how many didn’t? (It helps if you say this one out loud, slowly)

I am cold, yet I am kind. I am 15, 12, and 25. What am I? (This one is an Undertale riddle!)

1: A bagel? As in a bay-gull? Like a seagull, but by the bay? That's my closest guess. :P

2: Hahaha, I have actually heard this one from a coworker. It's a lot more effective when you say the joke aloud. XD 30 cows and 20 ate chickens, which means 10 cows did not. (Ignore the fact that cows aren't normally meat eaters, lol!)

3: Hmm, I don't think I've heard this one before! I have no idea. Would love to know the answer!

[sentientcloudofmusk]

Just had a dream that left me in an odd mood.

I was in like a classical video game overworld, like legend of Zelda style but the top down landscape was stretched up to make sense but you could tell it was all flat.

As I wandered a few screens, I met a blue person, bald, hollow face too, but they spoke to me and while I couldn't understand their words I knew they were kind; they would not move from where they were so I left them there, we waved and as I "changed screens" again the vibe changed, while we had originally been wandering in like a shattered old west area, buildings all but gone, random remnants of people's lives and tall canyon walls around, we were now in a flat area, gently glowing midnight blue floor and walls highlighted at their edges and corners with a brightly glowing teal.

Eventually (mind you, this felt like an hour of wandering in the void) I came to what looked like an arcade,build the same but it was actually a 3d model, the entrance of the building had greek pillars, roof and steps

Upon approach, 2 things happened simultaneously, a red being like our friend blue spoke to me, unintelligible but they were warning me of the building, as we spoke a woman appeared in a flash of light that originated from her chest, she had on beige slacks and a t-shirt of the same color, looking down I saw that we wore the same clothes, but her hair stood out, it was electric blue, cut short but unkempt for some time, mine was dirty and red, just past shoulder length.

We kept close to eachother, after another warning from the red lady (lady vibes yknow?) We approached the building, with each step my kegs grew heavy and leaded, like I shouldn't go, the blue haired woman didn't feel this and held my arm, helping me along, one step up, I could feel something change, second step, I became wracked with anxiety, third step, red lady shouted as a small blue version of those colored people (darker blue but lighter than the floor) walked out of the building a bit frantic as I went up the top step, as I did the weight lifted but I looked to the small blue person and they were now red's height, and purple.

They were all purple. All aside frome me and the blue haired woman, we looked back and miss red was just stood there, transformed like her people, and so I approached her, the blue haired woman cautious behind me, gripping my hand deathly tight, I leaned into red's motionless, hollow face and something unexpected happened, her face filled in and formed a smile, no a grin, a sinister grin, eyeless, it went halfway up her face and I felt that same grin form on my face, like my body was in on some joke my mind wasn't, blue haired woman looked concerned.

Then I woke up feeling..listless

[marypsue]

Keep seeing that post where OP starts like 'Thinking about...grieving the undead' and then adds on about like. Real life situations where people have not died but have left your life and you would have reason to grieve them.

All respect, that's an important concept, but that is not what I am thinking about when I read 'grieving the undead'.

[xamitras]

For many of years I had this tradition of drawing Wirt and the beast once a year to see how much I have improved, then depression hit in 2023 and couldn't continue, but it left so really amazing art in the process

[bereft-of-frogs]

There’s that post that’s like ‘everyone should get into a tiny niche fandom at least once’ fully agree, that was really fun -- but I would like to add that everyone should get into a fandom where their opinions run counter to major fanon because it really teaches you about sticking to your guns and trusting your interpretation of the text without having to rely on peer validation

because WHAT are people talking about sometimes

[foolsocracy]

this is actually so funny. imagining garth quipping and contributing to the conversation in his head cause he forgot the rest of the teen titans can't pick up on his telepathy

[shut-up-rabert]

Be careful of Asexuals y'all, I heard they aren't fucking around

[notherpuppet]

Alligator tears 🦌 🥲

The beauty of the pumpkin head joke is that the true joke is TELLING the joke to people.

For those who don’t know it, this is the joke:

A man with a pumpkin for a head walks into a bar. The bartender exclaims: “My god, I’m sorry, but WHAT happened to your head?”

The man sighs and says, “So I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes…”

Bartender: “Ok, well what were the wishes?”

Man: “Well, my 1st wish was for 100 million dollars. AND I GOT IT!!”

Bartender: “WOW! Okay…what was the 2nd wish?”

Man: “For the 2nd wish, I asked for the most beautiful woman in the world to fall in love with me…AND I GOT THAT TOO!”

Bartender: “Incredible! So then…what was the 3rd wish?”

Man: “Now see…that’s where I really messed up…

I asked for a giant pumpkin head”

[doorel]

I’m in my crab era

[ilynpilled]

i think men should be locked up and incinerated

[codecicle]

Whar does rpf mean 💔💔💔

historians aren't quite sure. Albert Einstein's last words were "rpf is fine" and we've been searching ever since

[fanaticalthings]

important family group chat discussions

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[flagellant]

yeah we might be brothers in christ but so were cain and abel so shut the fuck up before i decide to find a rock about it

[inkskinned]

probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.

we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."

at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.

the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.

the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.

what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.

here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.